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Although books that list dating “rules” tell you NEVER to talk about an ex on a first date, if you know each other’s exes, that advice doesn’t work here. If people know you are single, they are more likely to ask you out, or hook you up with a friend. It could have been you, but you were waiting for him to message you. This truth is a tougher pill to swallow because there are so many emotions involved.
Get it out into the open and break down the awkwardness that will inevitably explode if you pretend like you don’t know that he dated the same Kate who serves you your morning (and afternoon and late afternoon) mocha. God forbid the smokin’ hot guy who works down the hall from you finds out that you are also on the market (he is likely single if he sees you on Ok Cupid… As an online dating guru, I can tell you that actually never works out. A make out sesh on the dance floor while jamming to Clash of the Titans at Empire feels so right.
In NYC, San Fran, or LA you can easily hide behind knowing that a questionable first date with a cougar you met on Plentyof Fish will never be seen by friends, and you can completely avoid an ex simply by moving to a new neighborhood or keeping a wide berth from their fave locales. There are three harsh realities that keep many people from fully committing to dating in Maine.
- object substitution masking and the object updating hypothesis
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This seemed to bring out a flood of inner fears and insecurities about dating in a small city, and these feelings are legitimate, but worth getting past.
As anyone who has lived in a large city before moving to Portland knows, there is an anonymity to dating that allows you to go on dozens of first dates in a week, date more than one person at a time, or abruptly end a relationship. I have (after many years of complaining about these things) learned to embrace the quirks of dating in the awkwardness that is our little city.
And I would never say don’t go for it (whatever IT is), because those spontaneous moments at the beginning of a relationship are so special. Don’t judge people before you know the whole story.
But know that you’re sharing it with a small community of sometimes judgmental people. Often rumors fly about people during their most vulnerable moments, primarily breakups.
Everyone knows everyone and we need to get over it.